Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The Word According to Me: Motherhood


noun | moth-er-hood | \'mə-thər-hud\

 Definition of MOTHERHOOD:

A state of being in which .  . .
  • one does not realize she has to pee until she sneezes
  • an animal's identifying sound becomes more important than its genus. 
  • one is constantly late, losing something important, and exhausted . . . basically everyday life but with a tiny, utterly dependent tiny person(s) with extreme communication barriers who either don't want to get in the car or get out at the appropriate times. 
  • one's sense of peace is entirely dependent on the presence of a specially selected toy or blankie that tiny dependent person MUST have in order to function. Seriously, they just can't even. 
  • Mealtimes correspond directly with  times the miniature one is unconscious 
  • one has no memory or evidence of what she did all day, but she knows it was stuff. A whole lot of stuff. Important stuff, too, like washing clothes and dishes and keeping tiny person(s) and pets alive until assistance arrives.  
  • one exists almost entirely on coffee, laughter, tears, and snuggles
  • one cannot figure out why her skinny jeans no longer fit . . . and then she finds a toddler wrapped around her leg, and she remembers. 
  • children films previously enjoyable now bring her to tears.
    <I mean, seriously, An American Tail? They lose their five-year-old OUT AT SEA and then he has to wander around the slums of New York City ALL BY HIMSELF and, oh my gosh, I'm choking up just thinking about it. I can't, I just can't.>
  • tunes from previously stated films fill her brain more than the top radio hits.
    <I honestly have no idea what's popular right now, but I can sing the classic Winnie the Pooh theme frontwards and backwards.> 
  • one is more fascinated by bodily functions and secretions than she ever thought possible, but poop is really, really important and interesting, and why doesn't everyone talk about it? 
  • one spontaneously calls her own mother and apologizes for ever whining or pitching a fit EVER
  • never thought she could be so simultaneously frustrated, proud of, and in love with a totally flawed but totally wonderful tiny human being  . . . who will one day be a big human being . . . but she really hates to think about that . . . like, no, don't even start . . .